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"Let the Lady you love be what you do."

A Humourous Guide to Heathens

Animal Lover
Could this person have a spirit animal? Is it on their rings, their pendants, their t-shirt, tattooed across their lower arms, and who knows where else? Count the critters. If you can find more than five you have the animal loving heathen. And possibly also:

Beanie ™ Heathen
Checks the toyshop window every morning to see if their spirit animals have been released as a beanie baby. Will have a soft squashy pile of furry fun next to the alter, hanging over doors and portals, decorating mirrors and bookshelves.

Dark Heathen
Always wears black, probably has black soap and black towels in the bathroom. Has to hurry away after moots so they don't miss the start of the vampire convention or the Goth band concert. Will often have Beanie Baby bats hanging from the bedroom ceiling.

Techno Mage
Cannot leave their technology nest to attend rituals and moots without mobile phone, electronic organiser, palm top PC and modem. Will surf the net to check moon phases during horn passings. Dresses like Neo from the Matrix and dreams of owning a working light sabre.

True! Heathen
The true heathen maintains his street cred. Follows the latest trends adding their own Heathen slant. 'Wassaaaaaaaaaaaaail!, Wassuuuuuuuuuuup!' 'Watching the battle, having a mead.' 'Asa -True.' 'Asa -True.'

Book Magnet
This common disease, effecting many heathens, is highly addictive and financially crippling. Suffers will always have at least one plastic bag containing books purchased that same morning. Buying every available book on Germanic culture is not the cure, there are some lovely books on the Celtic tradition too.

In it for the beer Heathen
Slides under the table during moots, only attending when the pub serves their favourite real ale. Their rituals are often indistinguishable from their piss-ups. Watch for the pained expression as they pour beer in the blessing bowl.

Closet Heathen
This person has a secret crush on Freya, or Thor, or both!, or maybe an affinity with rune divination. But a heathen? Oh no, never one of those, how crude that would be! Next thing I know I'd be dragging a sword round Sainsburys bellowing Odin! - and that would never do! Lets keep calling the quarters, polishing the athame and hope no one finds out.

Scary Viking Heathen
These heathens milk the 'Big bad viking' image for all it's worth. A table cloth and a plastic horned helmet is just the job to transform their biker gear. They believe they have let the side down if no panicking local headlines appear the day after a ritual. These heathens hold all the best parties and are easily to spot in their local pub waving a four pint drinking horn. They are masters of the art of quaffing.

Re-enactor Heathen
Always wears historical costume, even their pure linen underwear is hand stitched! Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a ceremony wearing a watch, glasses, or any other mechanical assistance.

If its in a book it must be true. If its in an old book, it must be really true. If its in an old book that was handed down from an oral tradition of people that couldn't read, then it must be way true. As such this 'true' knowledge must be preserved and observed as the only true way to be a heathen.

Yggdrasil Hugger
Suffers serious nature withdrawal symptoms if removed from the natural world for more than 10 minutes. They can be found stroking the vegetables in supermarkets trying to be 'one' with the natural forces. Their home is filled with interesting bits of wood, feathers, rocks and desiccated road-kill animals. They will have lengthy conversations with all of the above.

The Arsonist
Delights in fire, has a house full of candles, incenses and oil burners, lights them all at the same time at the slightest excuse. Has difficulty in modern houses which do not have an open grate. At camps is always messing with the fire, tending it lovingly and jealously, urging it to it's full potential, that stage where any combustible material within 10 feet will spontaneously ignite.

Instant Expert
Bought a set of runes and a 'how to do it' book in W H Smiths last Friday. Flicked through the book, looked at the pictures and found the summary table on the back inside cover. Is now checking the destiny of the immediate family and house hold pets. The layout he learned for Tarot last weekend seems to work just fine for runes too! Hey! Next week I'll learn the Cabbala.

Captain Rune
The runes are all powerful and represent the whole universe and knowledge, no mystery is not to be found contained among their secrets. The spring sun may be blazing outside the closed bedroom curtains, and silver wolves are rutting on the lawn, but he doesn't care, because all that matters is in his little pouch of runes.

Language Guru
Speaks Anglo-Saxon, Norse, Old High German, Latin and Greek. Keeps notes not only in runes but an authentic 6th century Jutland dialect. They make everyone around them feel totally inadequate, but may need shooting if they turn into the following:

Totally out of touch with the rest of heathenry, doesn't everyone speak Norse these days? They will write ceremonies that are so full of archaic words that neither you nor the gods themselves are sure what religion you belong to, which gods you have invoked, or what you are trying to achieve. Often surrounded by groupies too mesmerised to notice.

This heathen was attracted to the faith because there are so many gods and goddesses - so its better than the Christian faith which has only one - right? So they pick a god. A god that's all-powerful, all-knowing and created the universe - so you don't need any of the others, right?
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